I would apologize, but who really reads this anyway.

Sorry I missed you guys, I was in Rehab. And yes, the first thing I did after a 28 day program was go clubbing. And by clubbing I mean drink 6 beers by myself while watching old horror movies. And I really wasn’t in rehab, but I listened to that song a lot. But I was seriously busy, and didn’t have the luxury that certain people (I’m looking at you Jesus Martinez ) have of getting their hooker friends to post for them. I’m not even on speaking terms with my hookers.

RIP Rod Beck

I don’t know if you were a good man, but you had a great mustache. And Mullet.  Two things rarely exhibited in sports today.

Dear Lord.

 I guess if he were still alive, it wouldn’t be as gross, because we could call him a sell-out, etc. However, since he blew his brains out 13 years ago, and his coke-whore of a wife is itching for drug money, we all know why things like this are springing up. Futhermore, only two types of people buy lunch boxes: Children and Goths. Children need something to transport their twinkies and cup cakes to school. Goths, on the other hand, ( and i’m speaking of the species of goth that frequents Hot Topic and, gulp, Torrid) are official enemies of this site (read: unless they’re hot).

Things I’d rather do than watch the 2007 White Sox:

- Get my hernia fixed

- Have a root canal

- Be urinated on

- Watch a Cubs game

- be attacked by killer bees

- Lose a thumb

- Watch “The Lakehouse”, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock

- Proofreed Paris Hilton’s Autobiography (For a sample of her writing, go here )

Loser of the day: Britney

Just go here and look at her possible album titles. Here

Rosie O’Donnell has a blog

 Rosie’s Blog

Yes, I realize that this is too easy to make fun of, but I’m going to run with it anyway.

As you can imagine, it’s sappy and sucks. I realize this blog might suck too, but I’m not a fat lesbian celebrity.

However, she writes her entries in verse. It’s POETRY! For instance:

“nothing is loud enough today
i have blown too many speakers
as i try to climb into the notes
float

the goslings came quite close
2 day
alert parents watching
ready to protect

photographers again waited yesterday
by the ramp at abc
extra extra
the line between fake and real

did u hear
a squirrel attacked a woman
its true
it was in the paper

faith or fear
tipping ur hand
hold on
i heard

last night
the sound of music

they were almost out
leisel gasped
it was rolf
she couldnt believe it

christopher got the kids away
safety first always
but face to face – he had to say it
will never b one of them

happy birthday kelli
peace 2 all who enter here”

Come on. Really? She abbreviates words like be and two? It’s almost beautiful, in a crazy bitch type of way.

Tard of the Day: Me

So, i got too drunk after two terrible White Sox loses to the Cubs (blech) and forgot the password to my blog. After the two day hangover, I remembered it, but I was too lazy to update yesterday. Fuck, why am I rationalizing myself to you.

This weekend I decided to change Loser of the day to Tard of the day.

Loser of the Day: Jerry Falwell

too soon?

There’s already been so much said about this jackass. All I have to say is this: Hustler Magazine v. Falwell

Loser of the Day: The employees of the electronics department at Walmart

I don’t ask for a lot from people, just competence. This is especially true of retail workers, because I know they hate their jobs and I can respect that: I too have hated every retail job I’ve ever had. So today, when I went to Walmart looking for a chord that would connect my speakers to my laptop, I purposefully did not seek out help from the esteemed employees of the electronic section. Instead, I ventured to find it myself through the poorly laid out “Home Audio” section, which had other speaker cables. Unfortunately, it was not there. And, unfortunately for me, a kid with ear plugs (or “flesh plugs” as wikipedia calls them), who previously was flirting with another Walmart employee by repeatedly hitting her in the ass with a box and doing Carlos Mencia “Dee Dee Dee” thing (I’m not going to point out the irony), noticed me searching. Our conversation went as follows:

Tard Employee: Can I, uh, help you?

Me: Yeah, i guess. I’m looking for a double-male quarter inch speaker cable.

T.E.: :Stares Blankly:

Me: I’m looking for a cable with two headphone jacks, one on each end.

T.E.: What would you want that for?

Me: I want to hook up my speakers to my Laptop

T.E.: Is this it? (he grabs the first thing he can reach in the aisle, it’s a cell-phone charger)

Me: Um, no. I’ll look around myself.

I wasn’t going to sit around while this tardinator (thanks rob) walked aimlessly through the department pulling random things off shelves, because I had shit to do. I found what I was looking for over by the CD players, paid and left.

Loser of the Day: WWBD (what would Bukowski do)

I don’t know what to say about this, besides the fact I found it on some site where they have other stupid pictures tard text like “You’re just jealous the voices talk to me” and “You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” I’m sure the guy who made this was one of the kid’s in high school with black hair and earplugs, wore black jeans that were too big for him and listened to Korn and Slipknot. I’m just wondering where this mouth-breather heard a Bukowski quote.

I suppose I’m a romantic in that I have idols and there are things I consider holy. I am also a romantic in that I’ll often treat ladies to a dinner at Applebee’s before I try to sleep with them, or at least offer her a cheese stick. But after the deed is done, well, I gotta get out of there, because I got stuff to do. Anyway, I’m not sure where I was going with this, but don’t take quotes from literature and mix them with your teen angst crap.